With a purposeful stride that wouldn't look out of place in a John Wayne movie, a swift footed figure makes for an innocuous door at the end of the corridor. It is opened and threshold crossed with a decisive fluid movement that belies the oafish figure that is now scurrying towards his nondescript throne : THE JOHN!
Truth be told, The John, The Bog, The Long Drop, The Crapper, whatever and where ever you decide to 'drop the kids off by the pool,' is largely irrelevant. The most important part of this daily ritual is not in the act itself, but in its signing off, so to speak. Over the years I have laid bare my weary cheeks in most places on most continents. Not many of them have been memorable, but I can tell you in unnerving detail about what was used or not used during those last movements before my keks were pulled up and it all revolves around the availability and quality of the toilet paper!
You name it, I've used it. Everything from banana and doc leaves, toilet paper luxuriously infused with cashmere, to boarding school issue ‘Just like tree bark’ toilet paper. It goes without saying, I know what I do and do not like.
So what is it that makes for a memorable piece of toilet paper?
Firstly, it must have a bit of strength. Early morning groans of disappointment can be heard the world over as some cheap recycled crepe paper re-branded as toilet paper comes mercilessly apart in unsuspecting hands. Needless to say it does not make for a happy ending. This sort of mishap will also occur if you choose a paper that is too absorbent. Gas stations all over the country cheaply avoid these two problems by providing the user with what can best be described as poorly disguised waxed baking paper. What you need is something grippy, but not overtly so. You can't soften sandpaper, but you can always double up on the soft stuff. The big companies know this, and soft paper is arguably the biggest selling point along with strength. But, you need to shop wisely here as you don't want it too soft to avoid not only the aforementioned dilemmas, but you also don't want any paper residue leaving you with a white fluffy rear.
There is a mind bending variety of toilet paper out there and we largely know nothing about them because their commercials border on clown-like lunacy. Personally, I do not like being cooed at about wiping my arse, to be honest, so I pay these 30 second puppy commercials no attention. After many a year, and many a beery night with the odd Mexican, Indian and assorted takeaway's thrown in, I have discovered that one particular roll of toilet paper does all that I need of it: Charmin Basic. Strong, yet it is soft. Absorbent, but it is firm. Grippy, but it won’t leave you raw. There are no fancy bells, whistles or cringe worthy packaging. It does exactly what it says on the label. Soft. Strong . Senible. And to top it all off, it flushes well.
